Some times I want to plunge into the total bliss that can be melancholy- to let it wrap itself around my ankles, make endless circles of my mind, and then nestle softly deep in my heart. To let the ghosts of past lives, past loves, past joys take hold and deliver me to the beauty of the not here and now. A siren call from the shore of a life that seems so long ago beckons me to memories that are now warped with time and distance but seem like soft comforts of familiarity that I can slip on, if only for a moment. Today I am lonely. The ocean seems vast and cold- a caldron of salty tears that takes me farther and farther away from any semblance of my old self. It’s her I really miss at times, the me of my memories.
A trip like this shapes and changes you in ways that are far out of your control and at times I want to set it down. To lay the burden of knowing down- offer it to the world of the unknown and unseen- to undo some of these memories and let go of the haunt that leaves me so disconnected with those I have always held so close.
I find myself muted lately- lost in the tumbling roads that are my thoughts while I replay fixated memories like loops over and over again. While the world plays around me my mind is drifting through the streets of my life revisiting moments long ago passed. The present constantly being taunted away, seduced into the black and white film reel of my mind.
There are moments when I want to break the surface and breathe in that deep breath new air that my body so desperately aches for- to be able to combine my lives- present and future, to be freed of the burden of myself.