Sometimes Words are Hard to Find

It has been two months since I have been able to put words to page although this is not for lack of content or consideration but rather the inability to put thoughts into meaning.   In that time period we have left Haiti, seen old friends in Jamaica, and crossed the remainder of the Caribbean Sea to Panama.  All amazing accomplishments that should be noted, written about, and reflected upon- yet every time I open the computer to a blank white WORD page I sit paralyzed.  It’s as if all of the experiences and work bottle neck themselves in my head and leave a connection with my hands useless.

I thought this time that leaving Haiti would be easy, knowing that we would return again, to have seen the faces that I love and know that they are well, and yet in reality it was much harder than the last.  To see a little boy that I love with all of my heart playing by the tree where I last left him was a joy but leaving him once again at the same tree eats at me… having him not there the next time we return will break me, and yet when I sit back and think about, having him still there may be just as bad. The never ending tail chasing ‘whats worse’ game that plays in my mind. It seems at times to me that my heart will never win when it comes to my time in Haiti—I will always be pulled back and tormented away.   The sights, sounds, and deaths get no easier the second time around- they still work their way in, nuzzle themselves into my soul, and trouble my moonlit nights on the water.  As we left Haiti I sat on our back deck for as long as the light would allow my eyes sight with my heart being crushed and simultaneously elated that we were pulling away from the shores not knowing if the tears I was shedding were for her, for me, or for those I was once again leaving behind.

The transit that lay ahead of me turned into 5 of the most memorable days of my life- flat calm and beautiful the seas opened themselves and the life that dwells deep within its blue waters to us.  We spent the days spotting whales, dolphins, endless fish, whale sharks, and sharks with an elation that only wildlife can bring.  I felt my heart being drawn into the dark blue that lay beneath our keel, the salt water starting to become part of my blood, her vastness a part of my soul, and perhaps on this transit I truly became a sailor.  As I walk down the docks now I feel her calling to me-  beckoning me into her wildness and away from the safety of solid land. To trade stability for freedom and schedule for adventure- to stand on our bow with salt laced air in my face and dolphins underneath my feet. To undo our lines and sail into the never ending splendor that is the open ocean.

I had dreamed of Panama from the start of my involvement in this project – it always seemed so wild and distant to me.  It has not failed to disappoint either- the people, the jungles, and the islands have opened themselves and embraced our project like no place we have been before.   The unending kindness of the people here leaves me speechless as it seems that there is nothing that they won’t do to make ‘us’ happen.  Free Dockage from the Bocas Marina and Yacht Club, amazing Fashion Show/Fundraisers from the Calypso Cantina, Wednesday night girls night with some amazing women. The community has thrown its heart open to us and is literally making our project here possible.  So much of what I have constantly had to worry about has been lifted from my shoulders allowing me to immerse myself in our clinics.  I am humbled, once again, by the generosity of others.

I find myself loving my life – on the precipice of my 30^th year I am thankful beyond all reason for the life I get to lead.  I wake up every morning, usually no one is up yet, and I drink my coffee overlooking one of the most stunning bays in the Caribbean.  I awake my crew and head off to a distant shore, often feeling like I have stepped back hundreds of years in time, and spend my days making peoples’ lives better, making their pain stop, quieting the worried minds of mothers and the crying of babies.  And all too often people tell me that it’s so amazing what we do—my only reply is, nope, it’s amazing what I get to do.  I am surrounded by suffering and pain and beauty and wonder.  My heart is broken and lifted twisted and torn and I would change none of it.   My cup runeth over.  I am haunted and changed and the luckiest girl I know.